relational theory

relational theory


1. Roles

verses on husbands and wives

eph 5:22:33
22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26. so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27. that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29. for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30. because we are members of His body.
31. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
col 3:18,19
18. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
1 pet 3:1-9
1. In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,
2. as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
3. Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4. but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
5. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6. just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
7. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
8. To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;
9. not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.
matt 19:3-9
3. Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?"
4. And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE,
5. and said, `FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'?
6. "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
7. They *said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY ?"
8. He *said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.
9. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
1 cor 7:10-16
10. But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband
11. (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
12. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
14. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.
15. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.
16. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

things you need to believe:

- divorce is a no go
maybe for adultery or abandonment

- you must show your partner selfless love regardless of their actions (you owe that to god)
there may be differences in role for husband and wife, but the essential rule is service.
their needs must be considered over your own.
 
it can't be emphasized enough how difficult this is when conditions are less than ideal...
this is not when your partner is nice, when your partner is kind and patient, or when your partner is understanding.
this is at all points; when your partner is rude, uncaring, and hurtful.

Your History:

how aware are you of your patterns to demand that your partner serve you?
how aware are you of your patterns to make conditions on your service to your partner?


 

2. Goals

What will characterize a good relationship?
We think of it in terms of 3 qualities: honesty, commitment, and affection.

1. Honesty

- what happens when it is removed?
- are there any limits?
do i look fat in this dress?
fighting for consensus
when and how to comprimise?
 
what patterns of honesty do you have in your relationship?
are there any specific things you need to address to increase your honesty?
what situations or patterns make honesty difficult for you?

2. Commitment

- commitment == security
- faithfulness
core to marriage.
so, people are pretty solid on the need to be faithful.
what are your boundaries for infidelity? (matt 5:27,28)
how do you recover if your partner fails?
advice: flee immorality (1 cor 6:18)

 

3. Affection

this is usually how we detect a good relationship.
what is it?
how do you show it?

 

Your History:

family history:
what were the strong points in terms of relational qualities?
what were the weak points in terms of relational qualities?
what actions and patterns significantly helped/hurt the quality of the relationship?

past relationships:
what were the strong points in terms of relational qualities?
what were the weak points in terms of relational qualities?
what actions and patterns significantly helped/hurt the quality of the relationship?

current relationships:
what were the strong points in terms of relational qualities?
what were the weak points in terms of relational qualities?
what actions and patterns significantly helped/hurt the quality of the relationship?